A story on FEBRUARY 2010..

I’ll have my first day in the office tomorrow after had a long one month break. Probably starting my day with checking tons of emails (hey, im doing it now jugak, tapi macam banyak sangat & malas dah nak baca one by one), update my planner with lots and lots of meetings to attend, update my to-do lists! It’s a never ending list, dude.

And never forget to mentioned, this is my first post after few months I hesitate not to do so. I’ve lost track of my friend’s latest post and what i've done in this few months. So let’s recall one by one. Merry Christmas, Congratulations to Munirah and Fawwaz on their new born baby, Happy New Year “Welcome 2010, Goodbye 2009”, Happy 26th birthday to hubby! “Love You So Much!”, Happy Thaipusam, Happy 26th Burfday to DINA!, Happy CNY, Congratulation to Safiza Salam on her engagement day, Salam Maulidur Rasul, and lastly Happy 26th Burfday to Sally. Let’s put everything in one single post.

Readers, you must be wonder, why do I have a long break from the office? I had my confinement back in SP. I’ve never mentioned here before that I was pregnant. Thought of telling you guys soon, but I guess I never had the chance to. One of the reason why I did not updated my blog for few months is because I was not doing that well. I was sick. I had an on and off high fever every 2 to 3 days, I had bad flu and cough. I’m not in good condition during my pregnancy period. Never thought that my baby also was not doing that well.

And on the 9th Feb 2010, doc from the Dahlia Clinic detect something is not right with my baby during my 4th month of checkup. I cried, of course! Of hearing that even though the doc said that it’s not confirmed yet and I should refer to O&G specialist soon. She calmed me down and said maybe her scan machine is wrong or maybe what she saw is not exactly what is exactly happened. I called khasif and I was crying like hell. I’m afraid of losing my little boy. Khasif came and we headed to Az-Zahrah for O&G Specialist. And out of sudden, Az-Zahrah was blackout and any machine can’t be use. An-Nur as well was blackout. We then headed to Kajang for KPJ, and the nurse said that the O&G doctor was not in and we can come back the next morning. We then went to Serdang Hospital and of course, with all the “karenah birokrasi”, the nurse said that I need to go first to the nearest klinik kesihatan, registered, get the stupid “buku merah” and wait for the appointment date. Hello, my baby is dying here and you asked me to wait? I called my sis without telling her what’s exactly happen and asked her whether Kg Baru Medical Centre (KBMC) is available for the scan for walk-in patience? My sis said it would be okay. From serdang, we headed again to KL for KBMC. And dugaan aper plak yang sy terima, suddenly there was an emergency case in KBMC and doc is not available for the scan. Again! Me and khasif lost hoped. We don’t know where to go. I can’t think of any places. And khasif just drove the car. Ntah macam mana, we arrived in Wangsa Maju and went to a general clinic. I’ve told the doc my prob, she scan me and she said that, she know why my panel doc was worried about the baby because from what she seen, she was worried as well. She said exactly what my panel said. Again all I can do is crying, crying and crying. I can’t think of anything at that moment. I sms-ing mama told her that I was worried because doc told me that baby is not right. Mama called me right after she received the sms and thought I was joking or something. But I was crying while talking to her and I can’t get to any O&G specialist. Mama was speechless and said let’s wait for the confirmation first from the O&G doc. papa called and said he’ll come to kl that night. And all I can remember after that is my bros and my sis called and all I can do is crying while talking to them. We then went back to serdang. And my sis called me and asked me to go to HUKM. We headed back to MRR2 for Bandar Tun Razak. Went to emergency counter and the nurse brought us directly to the O&G Department. But the doctor in charge told me to come back the next morning for appointment date and wait for the appointment date. I was speechless, tension, and depressed and Khasif was very angry with the doc. All we want is to scan and a confirmation from you. That’s all!! I don’t want any of your medicine, I don’t want your other time, I just want a confirmation at that particular time. Kak Uja and Abg Am arrived then at HUKM and I told them that I have to wait again. Then Kak Uja called KBMC and arrange for the appointment, the next morning with Dr Suhaimi. We went back to Serdang and went to Kak Uja’s house at 10pm as mama & papa wants us to stays there. We were soo tired that day, and yet we both can’t sleep that night. Afraid of what would happen the next day and how can we overcome days after…

10th Feb 2010, I had an appointment with Dr Suhaimi at 10am in KBMC. And i received the same result. It’s confirmed! I was crying in front of the doc, again. And for the very first time, khasif cried as well. I cried even worse when I saw my husband was crying. What else can I do? Even the nurse that assists the doc cried as well. Doc said it’s nobody fault. Accept God’s fate. He told us baby won’t stay that long. He’ll leave us soon. Dr Suhaimi then refers me to Dr Nazri. I have to meet him the same day at 8pm. All I know after that, I was crying on mama’s shoulder. Papa asked me to calm down. Accept God’s fate. God have his own reason and god knows why. We went to meet Dr Nazri at 8pm. With a better scan machine, I, WE to be exact can see clearly my son.

…………… And after a lab test (doc suggest this to confirm whether this is a syndrome or not and Alhamdulillah, results shows that there’s no problem and Insyallah we won’t face the same problem for the next baby) and a few procedures, I delivered my baby at his 4 months 11 days years old on the 18th Feb 2010 at 9am. He was buried at Taman Permata, near Kak Uja’s house.

TRILLION THANKS to papa, mama, mak, ayah, abang, kak ewa, kak uja, abang am, boy, aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends plus docs for your support. Appreciate that so much! And of course for my only one, khasif! My strength and my hope...

I have to say, I miss talking to my little boy. Sometimes I forgot that I don’t have him with me anymore. I used to be okay whenever khasif was busy with his work, or whenever I was all by myself, I can overcome it because i know i'm not alone as my little boy is with me. But it’s all ME, only me now… how I missed my baby so much… Even though we have never had a chance to meet, I believe we will one day. Even if it’s hard for me and khasif, we have to accept that everything has it owns reason. God creates a better place for you. Just want you to know that mama and ayah loves you so much, Mohd Faris Bin Mohd Khasif.

Al fatihah!


PS: to Anmum, stop calling me as I have no baby now!